A Telephone Conversation outside Pizza Hut:

Girl: Do you know Jarwegian?

CP: Yes, (Voice of knowing dread) Why?

Girl: Well I am his Wife. Did you know he was married and has a child?

CP: Well, no, he didn’t mention that one. He did mention a girl he was seeing in Italy? Nice to meet you. We went out once. But it didn’t quite work out. (Couldn’t really tell her ‘her boy’ was a blah as they come, she obviously saw fit to marry the dude.)

Girl: He does this a lot you see. Every so often he goes out and buys a phone, then he meets a whole bunch of women.

CP: Excuse me for sounding rude, but you don’t seem very upset about all of this. You seem rather accepting of it.

Girl: Well it has been three years; I am used to it by now

CP: (All Feminist molecules enraged) Well that just shouldn’t be. Look I know you’re married to dude, and have a kid, but really you ought to stand up for yourself. Have you thought of sending him for therapy?

Girl: Not sure he would go.

CP: Well he looked a little young to be married and have a kid, perhaps the responsiblity is getting to him.

Girl: (Sounding sad) Perhaps.

CP: (Up in Arms) But you have to bear it. Anyway tell him to buck up and be a man. I hope things work out for you, Will give him a lecture if he tries to call again.

Girl: Thank you so much for your honesty.

CP observes, yup I have fatal attraction. I think I need to start to seriously consider background checks. Even the ones without any game are playing Jeez Louise

The following conversation just ensued:

Boss: Oh Yeah I have two pairs of crocs, one in black and another in Green

Me: (Horrified Silence)

Boss (looking mildly appalled): You don’t have a pair?

Me: Tell me you don’t wear them in public. Tell me you only wear them in the privacy of your own home.

Boss: Oh your just not with the times….I saw LS from Finance he was wearing them too.

Me: LS is over sixty and hardly a fashionista.

Boss: It is in fashion I tell you and they are so comfortable

Me: Do Not wear them in public again, you’re my boss,….I have a reputation to maintain

Boss: (looking sly) I have a corner gas t-shirt I ordered online, that goes with it.

Me: (Passed out from the sheer horror of it all.)

I love that I can chat with my boss like this. Now if I could only get him to give me work I like.

Marchel Montano and Alison Hinds Live in Woodford Square

Ok, it took me an hour to find a proper video of Mr. Montano with his shirt off doing his thang. Worth the wait. I saw these two recently in T.O and as I mentioned to Mizz Spice, I believe it is Marchel's call in life to go round the world and teach ALL men who to move their bottom's life this. Um....if you can do this,....apply HERE!

Do You Need Subtitles??

Was talking about this with the boys yesterday: Why is it that the bbc and other news feeds, feel the need to subtitle people who speak English??

When I first came to Canada I had a similar problem, cuz I didn't curl my R's or punctuate with Eh every now and then, people would laugh and ask me to repeat things again. All I've ever spoken is English...jeez louise. Mind you I was accused of having a British Accent.

Other immigrants whose second language is English have it much worse. Lord help you should you speak English with an African, Indian, Carribean or Chinese accent!

My rant for the day.....Since i've finally learnt to post a video stay tune for much much more.....

Interview

Do you need subtitles?

Love in Mysterious Times

So it’s a slow news day all over the world. I know this, because my boss is off gallivanting in the name of ‘business’ and on the front page of the Globe and Mail is the picture of a very unapologetic Belinda Stronach. BS is a rather rich and powerful MP. And as the boys at lunch observed she seems to be a rather busy person on Friday nights. She is quoted as saying, “I don’t stay home and knit on Friday nights.”

Dear BS was recently named as having an affair with a rather famous and married Maple Leaf…..no not hot Sundin, or sexy Antrapov,……she is doing Tai Domi. Maybe you have to be from Toronto to appreciate the hilarity of this but TD is a small angry gnome. BS now has under her belt, a US President (Who Else but Billy) a foreign minister (Poor McKay is in my riding) an Olympic Figure skater…..and now a tough little guy. When asked about her string of men, BS replies, “I loved them all, what’s wrong with that?”

Frankly though I question BS’s choice in the matter…..so many other hockey stars seem better candidates, you have to admire her attitude. BS you have my vote.

Drama Queens

The nicest thing happened to me Friday.

I got a card.

A real, dropped off by a postman, card.

It was sent by a good friend from Dubai and entitled ‘Drama Queens.’

There is nothing better in life and than someone from far away loving the thing about you that people near by are fed up of.

Hail all Drama Queens!

Another fabulous thing happened to me Sunday.

OB made me dinner. OB is a wonderful trini girl, with the sweetest hands, whose food must contain some element of msg, cuz Lord knows I jones for it every now and them. Thank you OB.

If I was cheesy, I would now publish an ‘ode to friends’ type poem, instead I’ll say this: Good friends are like a favorite toy you keep in the back of your closet. Often you forget all about it. But every now and then you come across it. And when you pick it up the feelings of comfort and love rush right back in.

To My Compatriots of Single hood, (Said in Hoarse Cuban accent)

I wish to thank you for inducting me back into the fold.

Many years have passed since I have been fully immersed in the fine arts of debauchery and trolling.

It is with glee that I once again accept membership.

You will be most pleased to know that my phone was ringing off the hook Sunday night and I ignored them all.

With a bow,

Cranky Putz

On my first Comment, Feng Shui & Love, and a Pope that can't keep his trap shut

I had a comment today. Woweee my first comment, thank you Ms. Island Spice……

So she asked, about the progress of brother and Baal.

He dumped her.

Poor little Baal, Turns out the first week of university opened his eyes to a world of possibilities and punnanies… (Indecent word ~ do not repeat kids.) So Baal got the axe with a rather banal speech that included the mandatory: Hope we still can be friends, and need to concentrate on school.

Fathead looked rather pleased with himself that she took it so well. I warned him that you never get off the hook that easy and the time will come for tears and yelling. Men are so heartless.

The weekend was an utter bore of my own choosing. We managed to get our illegal subscription satellite up and running again, only to find the same movies that were playing in spring are still on. I did manage to watch V for Vendetta again, and Nanny McPhae.

Saturday night I decided to be cranky and stay home. I snuggled into my sofa and caught “Reds” a movie written, produced and starring Warren Beatty. Never occurred to me before but Warren Beatty is kind hot. He is obviously intelligent, charming in that ole southern charm kind of way, and not bad looking. Warren give me a holla sometime. The movie was really interesting, he is a socialistically inclined journalist who falls in love with Diane Keaton’s character, who is a huge odd ball.
They have this odd relationship, where he is obviously in love with her, though for the life of me I could not understand why. She has an affair with Jack Nicholson, who apparently has been creepy his entire life. Anyway not sure if they end up together, cuz I feel asleep in my cozy comforter, which tends to happen a lot these days. Is old age setting in?? It is an interestingly pro socialist stance made in the height of American anti communism. I love the one line in the movie, “Why do you think wars start? Warren Beatty Replies, Profits”


Sunday I went to watch S paint her wall yellow. S’s dad bought her a feng shui book, which S hadn’t bothered to read. Her mother did read it and realized a few things. First off S’s peach colored wall was a huge reason S was not meeting any suitable marriageable candidates. Also apparently keeping single figures bodes badly for your love life. Thus S, who never did like the peach wall to begin with, decided she had nothing to loose, and bought a can of canary yellow paint. I supervised the entire affair and the wall looks fabulous. I think my directions of ‘you missed a spot’ were key to the perfect finish achieved. I will let you know if S manages to find the perfect man in the next month. If so we will then be holding seminars on our new found knowledge and charge $100 per head, please send me your name and email for advance sign up.


And last but no least, our erring Pope, who can’t see to keep his trap shut. But then again a lot of people are asking Why should he? Apparently our spiritual leader in his white ‘Harry Potter’ outfit made a reference to some Byzantine emperor who said “"Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached."

Here are my two simple observations on the matter, First off the only major change the Pope has made since he was in office was to demote the head of Islamic Relations (according to BBC,) a person seen as an expert, perhaps the Pope is a little evilly inclined and wanted to stir the pot. Secondly, what is with people in the Middle East and Islamic countries in general? Don’t they have jobs? It seems like they are ready to and available to riot/protest at the drop of a hat. It is sort of akin to Trinis and fetes announce one and boom they all ready to jump up and party. (Yes that is a somewhat ignorant observation, but hey its my blog.) Seems like the Middle East/Islamic world needs less religion and more jobs or women.

By Oz Dean

To the society of Karma & Inevitable Retribution,

You are failing miserably.

Your simple mission was to make him regretful or at the very least look regretful.

Instead he is simply bouncing with what looked suspiciously like ‘glee.’

I herby withdraw my support; please return my membership cheque for $2.50.

Cranky Putz

~

To the Society of Complacency,

The next time you suggest I attend an event where there is even a possibility than ex may show up, as a VOLUNTEER, attired in cheesy volunteer wear, I will be forced to organize a popular revolt. What were you thinking? Making me get a cheesy hair do, and letting my mascara run in the rain. I must have looked like Godzilla, no to mention the huge black clogs I had left over from when I was sixteen.

You failed to materialize the perfect ‘after break up’ meeting. Where was the 'Carrie Bradshaw making out with a world famous baseball player on page four of the New Yorker' moment?

I hate you,

Cranky Putz

On seeing Dracs again.

It is freezing in my office. Sub Zero Temperatures. I am clutching my Earl Grey tea close, like a comforting warm water bottle. I really need to understand maintenance jobs better. How hard is it to turn up the temperature a few degrees when it’s rainy and cold outside?

Yesterday was our annual golf tournament. I was a volunteer at the spa. It was the best volunteer gig ever. I got a pedicure, massage and my hair done. Plus I got to drink martinis and schmooze the VP of Olympics, who said ‘send me your resume’…..perhaps she said it to be polite, but heck it was the first thing I did today.

Then there was the evening gala, and of course Draconian was there, with his soft poofy hair, the brown sweater I picked out from Banana Republic and his betty boo lips. He looked so gallantly happy that I wanted to dump my martini on his head. He said, “Hello Miss Crank Putz,” To which I coolly replied, Hello Draconian and walked away. Eventually he sauntered over and started chatting with our group. When people dispersed he asked in his charming way, “You don’t call nobody anymore?” I just looked at him and was luckily rescued by a passerby. My hand was itching to slap him hard. He then said, ‘Goodbye ladies,’ and was off. Only I caught his cheesy smile, like he was so very happy with himself, which made me angrier. In the tent he made his little pouty face at me. I looked the other way and as soon as it was done I ran to the safety of my car. Of course all the way home I secretly hoped he would call. Well what did you expect, I ain’t no saint. He didn’t. So I am pretending that I took the high road in the situation. However I am upset with Karma and the big G, Draconian did look like he was suffering at all. What’s up with that?

In other news I was picked up by the massage therapist onsite. I was pondering the many benefits of dating a massage therapist. I must call him. It is a no brain-er.

Me So Bored!

Is it Martini Time YET?????

The Thursday Regulars

Every Thursday afternoon I join the boyz for an afternoon lunch at Crystals, a local Jamaican joint, a few hop, skips and jumps away from work. Now the boyz take their Thursday lunch seriously, which means I must stealthy sneak out of the office so that no one is aware that I am taking an hour and half lunch. This usually involves me clutching my money in the palm of my hands, so there is no ‘bag’ evidence.

Lunch is always good times, and you tend to learn a lot from three trini’s and two Ja’s. First off you learn they will cut you up on any little thing. Second you learn how to laugh real hard, so that your sides hurt. Third you learn all sorts of interesting things on various topics like Sex, Basketball, Music, World War II….. High school was never this educational. Today’s topic of controversy, The conspiracy theory behind the US’s bball loss to Greece. According to my personal conspiracy theorists, it had to be rigged. Sure buddies, my theory is that they were partying it up like crazy in Japan/China and those little Asian gals wore them out.

I especially love the waitress who serves us….she always does it like she is doing us the greatest favour on earth.

So now I am here, tummy full, nodding off on my desk. Bless short weeks.

Tomorrow is going to be madness with martinis and girls trolling for a good time.

I did a somewhat unselfish thing today, which I am hoping will give me some relief. Which I suppose makes it a selfish thing.

The Illusionist & a Disillusioned Blogger

Last night I saw the Illusionist with my mentee. It was a great little movie, I love Magic tricks. One of the highlights of my Europe back packing stint was seeing David Blaine suspended from London Bridge for no apparent reason.

Come to think of it I haven’t seen any great illusionists lately. Is Magic a dying art form? The last famous illusionist in recent memory is Blaine, but then he began to get silly by doing his not so interesting ‘sitting in ice for twelve days’- type tricks.

The most intriguing trick I have seen lately was on America’s Got Talent. David and Dania specialized in quick clothing changes, and it was pretty fantastic. I still have no idea how they did it, and I have googled it quite extensively.

What I can’t stand are those ‘Magic revealed shows.’ Magicians and Illusionists should be made to take a shyster’s oath. Never, ever reveal the secrets of the trade, except to the next generation of illusionists.


In other thoughts, I am mildly miffed that no one comments here. Which is funny because this started as a private, no one I know should ever read this kind of blog. How soon I have fallen victim to the pull of Blogging popularity. So here are possible ways to increase commentary:
-Advertise to ‘chosen friends’
Cons: It will likely get out of control and may fall into the wrong hands
-Actively quote and link to other blogs, with the idea that the authors will be so flattered that they will read my blog.
Cons: I would be a blogger despo
-Begin to up my blog game, and write actually interesting blogs as opposed to the usual what I did last night flare.
Cons: It seems like a tiring affair, to always be brilliant ;)

Guess I will have to settle with site meter telling me that it is I who visits the site 10 times each day. Sigh!

To things that go Boom!

This is what my Labour Day weekend consisted of:
*Rain
*Car Accidents – two, one possible karmatic retaliation
*More Rain
*Lolling on my couch wrapped in a quilt
*Reading
*Rain
*Catching up with old friends
*You guessed it more Rain

What it did not consist of:
*Sex (yes I am complaining like a man)
*Dancing
*Good Conversation
*Fun

Poor fathead rear ended an old couple Friday. He was miffed the entire weekend, kept going over the details. Funny part is our car had zero damage. Poor kid was appalled that he was another teenage statistic. I accompanied him to the police station to fill a report. It was empty and the first two cops we were talking to were pleasant. The last one was a big fat jerk. He gave us the once over and automatically assumed I was fathead’s friend. Dude had the worst attitude and finally I just let him have it, told him everyone else had no problem with me talking and since I paid for the car, I had a say. That shut him up. Why are people jerks just for the sake of being jerks? Also since it was a rear end collision our reason for the accident was 99 OTHER-FALSE ASSUMPTION.

Late Sunday afternoon, my mother discovers the side of my car banged and scratched up. I was most depressed. It is however a possible ‘karma’ like retaliation for one such incident almost ten years.

So our premiums are going up, and I have to pay to fix my car. Insurance has to be the biggest scam out there.

The rest of the weekend was a washout.
Life better start perking up or I am going on Strike