An Ompa Lumpa Massage Without Borders

This afternoon my cousin decided that we should all get massages. So she calls someone and an hour later standing before us is a tiny woman, the size of an ompa lumpa. She was the cutest little thing.

My mum goes in first and she comes out an hour later, looking relaxed, laughing about a 'massage without borders.' She smiles at me slyly and says don't worry you'll see what i mean.

So i go into the room and first she massages my head, to do so she gets up on the bed on top of me and starts ploughing away; and boy is the lady strong for such a tiny person. Half in hour into the massage Ompa is massaging my legs, only when she's going up she's going all up. And since she speaks Hindi and doesn't understand a word I am saying, there is no way to have her 'explain' the process.

Ompa went on to massage every crevice and inch of my skin.

It's the most action I've got this month.

Driving Rules in Mumbai

• Might is Right: It's like the food chain, rickshaws give way to cars, who give way to lorry's who give way to jeeps..
• When you approach an intersection, speed up, and drive right in....(blind spots are irrelevant)
• There are no lanes, feel free to make your own
• If traffic stops for more than five minutes, it is absolutely ok for you to get out of your running car, and walk a few kms to find out what the hold up is
• In narrow areas, it is fine for you to block the entire flow of traffic with your car, because you need to drop your mother/sister/daughter to the door step....after all why should they walk even two steps on their own?
• Trucks love to venture everywhere, no matter how small the roads are
• Honking is your God given right, like breathing, it must be used constantly
• The more you honk randomly and flash your lights excessively, the more likely traffic is to move....(or so you hope)
• If you get stuck somewhere, feel free to stick a leg out your rickshaw to help push the object blocking your way along.....whether it be a another rickshaw, car or even a person
• If you are a driver, you have every right to drive on a sidewalk and yell at random pedestrians who have the gaul to walk in your way!
• When you reverse it is absoultely essentail that you have THE most Loudest, annoying music with which to do so....
• Making a U turn anywhere is A ok....
• Slowing down is never an option
• Waiting for someone to reverse is for pussies....instead feel free to drive around him as he painfully trys to make sure he doesn't hit you
• Rearview and side mirrors are optional, as are seatbelts
• Child seats? what are those
• It is perfectly safe for an entire family of four, a wife, dad and two kids to be on a bike in peak traffic, without helmets.....helmets are so over rathed.....much like overcrowding
• You must at all times mutter badwords in Hindi under your breath....you only use the English word Fuck, when someone actually gets in your way
• Driving within cms of another car is the way to do it, gaps and spaces are just plain silly....Again being a pussy comes to mind
• Avoiding pot holes are of paramount importance, so much so that it is much better to swerve into a lane with pedestrians than drive into a pot hole
• As soon as you feel the road get smooth, it is absolutely essential to crank the speed up to 70km an hour, even though you can see everyone two minutes away from you come to a complete dead stop

And inspite all of this, they never ever ever get into accidents

Mumbai Noise

This city is crazy:

It is the most noisest city in the world.

Sweepers: It's like there is always someone perpetually sweeping...(yet miraculosly the roads and sidewalks are as dusty as ever.)

The crows: I almost feel Texan in my need to find a gun and shoot the damn crow who crows non stop outside my window. This crow is auditioning for its own symphony. It starts off soft and slow and by 5 a.m its crowing its lungs out. Last night it was so bad, I woke up at around 4 and started yelling and looking around for something to throw at it.

Horns: They are obsessed with honking. They honk for anything, and everything. And every car has a different and even more annoying horn.

Reversing music: They have these chime music that plays as they reverse, to warn people that the car is reversing. For some reason they are catering to the deaf, because the music is always amped super loud.......ugh

Sellers: Every minute of every day, there is some fellow knocking on your door trying to sell you something....and they advertise by yelling about their service on the top of their voices.......like the dude right now outside my window, screaming in Hindi "Knives Knives Knives" to prove his point, he is manhandling the knives, making the most hair curling noises.

Such a noisy place......

Hello All From Mumbai,

This is a quick off the top of my head post.

Flight was great....a little pankicy sinceI was subject to load. Had to work my magic on dude at JFK...finally got a seat in business class......14 hours later I was in Mumbai.

The funeral was an experience. My first real family funeral. Out here the family dresses the body, puts on the make up, then the body is taken to house, later we walked to the church with a funeral band booming in the back ground. It was crazy. It was a sad experience, watching everyone cry their heart out. At the burial site, the musquitos of mumbai feastedon my poor legs. I have like 50 bites on each feet. My mean cousins are threatening that I am going to get Malaira or Elphantitis.....

Later we got to go back and booze.

It's been fun catching up with the family, despite the sad circumstances.

My senses are on overload, there are more smells, people and nosie than I can handle.

Insane!
Will update you guys when I can....the internet is a bit rare out here.

Thanks for your condolences.

CP

Hey Bloggers,

You may or may not know I was planning a little trip to India next week....sadly my aunt has passed away. I have pushed up my travel dates to make her funeral.

Have a safe and peaceful couple of weeks, will try and be in touch when i can.

CP

Is it Terrible blowing off your only real date in years, because it was too far and you began to think that if it did work out, would I be expected to do it on a regular basis?

Why not nip it in the bud now, like a preemptive strike?

Dude lives in Mississauga. I live in Scarborough. Dude says, ‘let’s meet half way.’ He doesn’t say it once, he says it twice, thrice….every time I suggest a location he says, ‘but that’s not halfway’ like a whinny kid, like I’m not being fair.

And I think to myself, if Dude is making a big deal of meeting me half way on the first date…..this is going nowhere.

So I cancelled.

Take that….Society of Romantics and Misled hopefuls.

To the Society of Romantics & Mislead Hopefuls,

I would like to politely point out that today is January 10th, over a month away from February the 14th.

Why am I being taunted by Valentine paraphernalia already???????

As a retired member of your society I must say that I find all this targeting completely unnecessary. As you will note in my letter of resignation, I returned IN FULL, all vials of hope I had initially been born with.

Please do not try to lure back into the society with plush roses….or my favorite blue Orchids (~ oh yes I saw the email from hallmark, how clever of you to use Blue Orchids~)

I also see you’re getting particularly devious, sending a beautiful Spanish man, to seduce me back into the fold. Granted he is absolutely delicious to look at, and he can dance, and he even has a proper job (I would say career, but this may be a stretch.) But please know I AM on to you. Sure I’m going out with him tonight…(oh fine bring up the fact that its my first real date in years)…...but I hold no illusions….he is too good looking for his own good, and I have a PHD in pretty boys.

I thus demand your society stops harassing me immediately. You guys are worse than the Jehovah Witnesses. At least they have the decency to be absolutely terrified of me, (all because I welcome a little debate…jeez…)

Sincerely,

Lady Putz

Say It Right

I googled the Lyrics and they make absolutely no sense to me.....Yet I am addicted to this song right now........

What Happens When You Watch Two Seaons of Grey' s Anatomy in a week?

You Start to Think Like this:

I am 26. How the heck did that happen?

I mean, just yesterday I was sixteen, wondering what I would be when I grew up and when I would meet the love of my life.

Sixteen was a great year. I met many cute boys, I had my first bring home boyfriend, I fell in love with Latin Music and salsa, and I was acing every class in high school. Life was sweet.

Then I turned seventeen and I met Krazee. He worked with me, and those three years were nothing short of Krazee. I mean stuff out of novels and talk shows, Krazee. I look back at it now and wonder what the heck God was thinking. I was sixteen, I was sweet, why would he ruin that?

Eventually things with Krazee came to a head, and after some drastic measures (changing my number, threatening to call the cops on him,) he left me alone. I then had a good two years being single again. I was prime single age, 20 going on 21, going on real dates, (no more Burger King for me, I was big time now.)

I remember one guy he was cute, a little thuggy and had a car so low, that I personally felt every little bump on the road. I remember being at the restaurant and him showing me his Machiavelli tattoo, and getting excited I incredulously asked, you read Machiavelli? Of course it was too good to be true turned out he got the tattoo after he bought the Tupac Cd. Sigh.

But as I said it was prime time, life was good.

And then I met Selfish. I fell for selfish instantly. Because he represented all the things I was supposed to look for in a man. Handsome, outgoing, ambitious, great job and he seemed to genuinely like me. Within three weeks he was talking marriage. He introduced me to everybody as his girlfriend; I could say the word ‘girlfriend’ to people proudly. It felt great. His family was warm and fun; I loved his dad and mum. They had to be the best part of the relationship. But poor selfish was a conflicted man. He never knew whether he was going or coming. At first I admired his hesitance as a sign that he was careful. I absolutely believed him when he said wait for me. So I waited. Rather patiently considering I am the least patient person in the world. And I waited. Only to find an email three years later, saying he had decided to let me go, so that I could find someone better. Excuse me? You couldn’t have figured that out three years ago?? Of course the truth later came out, turned out he found someone a little closer.

Never you mind, I still had hope.

And then I met Draconian. And I was distant and thoroughly North American. I neither hoped nor expected, after all this was going to be a wham bam, thank you mam deal. Only it never turned out that way. Instead he turned out to be charming, funny, smart and a whole bag of absolute perfection. And eventually I began to hope, while chastising myself for hoping the entire time. The trouble with undefined relationships is that eventually you get to ‘the point.’ The point when its five a.m, and the sun is about to rise, and you’ve just had urgent needy sex, and your lying away from him and you ask the ‘moot’ question, am I your girlfriend. And he mumbles why? And eventually he says yes, but you know that its over; maybe not that minute or next week, but eventually, because the man is an emotional vent, he can’t keep nothing with him.

So then you end up here, 26 walking to work, forcing yourself to be hopeful, that something fabulous is just around the corner. But every now and then doubt creeps in. What if I blew it? What if all that time I spent with the Krazee(s) and the unavailable(s) I let go of the ‘could have been(s)’? Or scarier yet what if there is going to be no love of my life? Now your probably thinking, this girl is silly, and too romantic.

I mean how long can you hold out hope for? What if you’re just unlucky?

Note: Unless your the Big G, or psychic (you will have to prove this to me) please resist from saying, You will meet someone any day now...cuz that's not really what this post is about.

Blood Diamond:Have you watched the movie?

My question is this: Is every day life in African conflict zones that brutal? Or is it Hollywood sensationalism?

I remember studying the Rwandan Genocide at UFT and running into a Hutu guy whilst researching at Robarts. He described to me how his sister had a machete hacked into the middle of her forehead by a neighbor, and how she survived for days with it lodged in her skull. He said most of things I read were sanitized for North American readers that the reality was gorier, and indescribably inhumane.

So I need to know, from someone who has traveled there, who has first hand knowledge, (not through a book you’ve read, or some documentary you’ve watched,) are those vivid scenes of children shooting people and of men hacking off limbs, are those scenes real?

As an aside, I have never been a huge fan of Diamond rings. It isn’t a big part of Indian culture. More than ever, I would like to inform my ‘would be’ hubby, it is simply not necessary. (Um I do not need any of u smart alecs to point out that there is no ‘would be’s’ right now.)

On being a Pirate

Fathead got me the Grey’s Anatomy DVD Season 1 for Christmas and I’ve been watching it religiously everyday since.

Then I got the urge to watch Season 2.

So I went to Best Buy and found out that the season 2 DVD was $60……insane.

Disappointed, I pondered downloading season 2, but decided against it, since it would take too much time and effort.

Then I thought of Pacific Mall.

Pacific Mall is a Chinese bootleg haven. It has been raided and fined several times over the years, yet continues to exist, unfazed. Infact it was reported to be the only mall in Canada open on Christmas day. They sell (among other things) brand new high quality DVD’s, usually 3 for $10. I got the 6 Grey’s DVD’s for $25, plus an extra movie for free (Blood Diamond.)

Now people we all know Lady Putz loves her deals.

I sit here, in Grey’s ecstasy, wondering if I should feel guilty?

I am reminded of the theatre commercials about Joe, the onsite technician on Movie sets, who because of my alleged pirating habits, will no longer have a job next year, as the production companies cannot afford to keep him.

Well my line of thinking is this: If movies are still being made, despite the absence of people like Joe, perhaps we never really needed Joe to begin with, and piracy is now the cause of growing efficiency within the movie making industry.

Note: for all the moralists out there, remember, if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all……

Are You Honest In Your Blogs?

Or Do You Censor Your thoughts?

There are often things I want to Blog about.

It’s easy to confess your sins and exploits to non judgmental priests & bloggers with handles. It’s quiet another to yak on when there is the possibility of a friend or worse yet, the subject in question, accidentally reading it.

So what is more important: the eternal quest for honesty and truth; a full divest-ation of one’s mind on a blog or to be cautious and keep a few things to yourself?

On Sales

I bought a laptop a couple of days ago.

Well actually …at first………..I bought two.

First I bought a dell. It was efficient, ‘conservative and extremely well priced.’

Then I got home and I hated it, because it was ‘efficient, conservative and extremely well priced.’

It was definitely not me.

I felt like I was in that Mac commercial, and instead of getting the cute young guy, I had inadvertently bought the old man.

I panicked. I called and cancelled the order.

But it was in my blood. I wanted a laptop. Please note the word ‘want.’ I did not need a laptop. Truth be known, I do nothing on the computer besides blog with you sweet folks, surf the net for dirty stories, chat with friends on msn and obsessively check all four email accounts. Yet I wanted a laptop. My own personal Gigabites of space.

So first thing Friday, I go hunting. I walk into the apple store at the Eaton Center. If you have ever been into the Apple Store, you know that ‘Cool’ is the only adjective that perfectly describes the store. The lighting is a cool white, the people are dressed in cool ‘we are the shit’ uniforms. The attitude of the SAs is also cool….a little too cool.

(Listen up people in Sales, the next paragraphs are for you.

I am your perfect consumer. I dare say, Your target audience. I am the one you want to sell things to. Why? Well, simply I have the largest disposable income of any group around. I am young, I have a great job, I have no kids. My wants are endless. Target me.)

Do not do the following:

I wander the apple store, and finally engage an SA. The SA gives me the once over. I ask, ‘Why should I buy an apple.’ Truth be known, I wanted the apple. Why? Because I love my ipod, and if an apple works like an ipod, I wanted it. The SA gazed at me blankly and said, these are what we have. She rattled off numbers, she whispered prices and then she said, ‘Well do you want one?”

She didn’t sell me anything.

I went to the Sony Store. Vio’s have sleek designs, come in beautiful colors and all in all they look hot. Latino salesman, (who I was on the verge of making googly eyes to,) pointed me in the direction of laptops, rattled off specs, pointed to prices…..with out a smidge of enthusiasm. I half expected him to Yawn. Perhaps my youthful looks had dampened my purchasing power aura. I decided to throw in an incentive. I lowered my voice and said, “I want to buy one today, What’s the best deal you got? What else would I get with it.” The SA looked at me with his potentially cute face, and said, ‘What you see is what you get.’ All potential lost; the sale, as well as a few minutes of quality flirtation.

Sigh……Folks Remember those days when people tried to sell you their mothers as soon as you walked into a store? What happened to those days?? What’s with all this ‘no pressure’ mottos?? No pressure = Laziness on the part of sales people.

Despondent, I entertained thought of going back to work and giving in to all the Naysayers who said I didn’t need a laptop. But I decided to give it one last shot.

I went to Best buy. At Best Buy I met Waled. Waled was a cute boy, 23, from Saudi Arabia, raised in Canada. Waled was a sales man. Within five minutes, he knew where I worked, my favorite colors, where I went to school, and much much more. (You can’t sell something to someone without knowing a bit about them.) Waled sized me up as a frilly consumer. He began to point out laptops not only with their specs, but for their colors, their little gadgets, their size…..Waled then offered me a deal. He offered me a laptop bag, a mouse, a router, a free cd……the list was endless.

I ended up buying from Waled, not because the prices were better or the product was insanley good. I bought from Waled because he pretended he cared about how I spent my thousand dollars. In Sales, pretending you care about what I buy, is akin to making me fall in love with you.

On another note, I just got a pimple….a big red one, wassup with that?

FU%&ING INDIAN COUNSULATE

I am in the most heightened state of annoyance.

I just went into apply for my Indian Visa, I was diligent, I had all the forms filled out, I had photographs, I had a ridiculous expensive fedex envelope attached for return.

I get to the embassy and join the initial line. Little random Indian dude, who looked very much like he would be a tea boy in India, wearing the checkered yellow flannel shirt is handing out instructions and checking forms. After a patient fifteen minute wait, I get to 'should-ave-been' tea boy, who says, "Visa acceptance other window (in a very mullu accent.)" So I walk over to the other window. And I wait, and wait and fifteen minutes later, I get fed up and go back to 'should-ave-been a tea boy' and I say "I was waiting there and no one's there. " And random Indian Woman interrupts with her own question, so I had to tell her to back off. 'Should-ave-been a tea boy' is very confused now, and says go to Room #2. And I stare it him incredulously and I say, "What do I need to go to Room #2 for?"

Clearly 'Should-ave-been a tea boy' is useless.

So I go back to the other side, and I find an Indian Aunty who despite coming in and out of doors marked 'restricted entry' refuses to admit she works there. Finally she tells me that under NO circumstances do they accept drop off visas, that I HAVE TO mail the visa.

Blood Pressure boiling, I end up going down to Canada Post, fork out ANOTHER $10 to some chinese woman to express post and envelope to the Same building. When I ask the woman when it will reach, she looks at me sympathetically and says maybe tomorrow. MAYBE? For $10 (Regular 70 cents) I should get some assurances????

So now my fate lies in the hands of the most inept consulate of the WORLD, and the post office.

FU&%%ING Indian Counsulate.

New Year’s Eve learning’s:

Montreal is the coldest place to be on New Years Eve. Crappy weather is a guarantee…..picture four scantily clad women, soaked to the skin thanks to some fine freezing rain, unable to hail a cab, seriously considering faking a sickness so as to get a ride from an emergency vehicle. It was so cold, that I found myself running up to random cars, asking if they would drive us back to our hotel for $20.

Open Bars are the biggest waste of money. There are never enough bar tenders, you aren’t allowed to have a drink in each hand (and really the very point of a New Year’s Eve party is to have a drink on each hand,) and the drinks are so watered down that you wake up on New Years day feeling very refreshed and hydrated……instead of properly knackered.

Women over the age of 25 are obsessed with marriage. No matter how much scandalous fun we had in three days, the focus of conversation on the drive home was about men. One of my friends S cracks me up. We were casually discussing spending New Years 2009 in Rio. And S seriously replied, ‘well I don’t know if my husband will want to come.’ Excuse me, but you cannot give hypothetical person preferences. Another interesting comment that came up was on how S examines men for various detrimental genes that could potentially be passed on to her children. For instance someone introduced her to a fellow who wears glasses, and she seriously stated that she was having doubts about dude because her kids would get back eye genes. (She wears glasses herself, but since its low it somehow doesn't count….;)

Hugging your girlfriends on New Years eve is fabulous….because your sure they will still be there come March!

Perhaps I went to the wrong club, but no one can dance salsa in Montreal. I ended up dancing with a fellow from Toronto.

Random kindness from Bouncer who could speak no English but took a shine to me, made me feel warm and fuzzy. He took us out to eat, drove us around, and did not expect so much as a hug in return.

I hate that my office is still empty this week....grrrrrr.......


All in all, a wonderfully fabulous season. Now I have two weeks to recover from the many hangovers, before I leave for Mumbai!

Violence Begets Violence

I don’t know about you guys, but watching the Youtube video of Saddam’s hanging has left my stomach queasy.

Violence begets violence.

I don’t condone the many crimes Saddam committed as a world leader, but I do ask which world leader’s hands are bloodless? I do not think Saddam should have been hanged for actions other leaders undertake everyday.

Also why the rush to have him killed? American inmates are often on death row for twenty to thirty years going through various appeals processes. The Hague trials take years, and leaders are often given the option of exile, no matter how horrendous their crimes.

The whole event has fiasco bloodied all over it. The hurried execution of Saddam has made more evident the farce of this so proclaimed ‘fair trial’

Did the foolish Bush government really think Hussein’s death will help quell the growing disaster in Iraq? Jeepers Creepers I hope not.