It's five minutes to five, and I've just remembered that I have a Halloween party to attend, and NO costume......

SCARY!

I am now mentally discecting my wardrobe, trying to come up with something scary (I'm one of those odd girls who favours scary over slutty on halloween.)

All I've got so far is an old prom dress, with a Miss Universe sash and a red scar around my neck...

A Murdered Beauty Queen????

So lame......

60 of you are reading, only 3 of you are commenting.

If this is a judgment on how boring my life is, I am not impressed.

Moving on.

I was supposed to have an hour meeting to hand off some work to a fellow manager. Instead I was privy to a forty five minute in-depth analysis of her upcoming wedding with a fellow engage in the elevator. Do you know how boring it is to listen to the size of engagement rings and the horrors of bridal dress shopping?

On the plus side, it seems the month before your 30th birthday is the prime time for a proposal…..

(CP fishes out her calendar and beings to X the days till her 30 birthday!)

I guess it is also important to have viable candidates.

The Weekend,

I missed an opportunity to meet a little girl this weekend. A sweet little girl, with big brown eyes, who I have been waiting to meet for the past two years.

It felt oddly ill fated, since my phone is always on, and I usually check it every 10 minutes, yet for some reason, I didn’t hear it ring till almost two hours later.

Hopefully I will get a second chance.

Friday was a total write off. After an exhausting week that included two long drives to Brampton, a successful event and catching up with an old friend, I was out like a light at 10 pm Friday. Saturday I ran errands, which included getting my butt back into Tae Kwan Do. It felt great stretching and kicking imaginary foes. It seems I need much practice in forms….why is it that little kids can pick up forms in a few minutes, and it takes me ages to remember which way to turn?

Saturday night I went to a Birthday party at West. Sadly I did not take the opportunity to dress up like the rest of the Toronto, though in my defense I did wear a very scandalous barley there sequin top, which I was convinced I was falling out off the entire night. All of Toronto was dressed in their very best ghouls (for men) and hoe outfits (the women.) Ladies, I hate to break it to you, but there is nothing scary about being a cow girl, or a nurse or any of those costumes that involve thigh high stockings? I wonder how a real nurse feels on Halloween to see a bunch of young ins parading around with their boobies hanging out, hoe-ing up her everyday work wear? I saw a fellow in an entire TKD Sparring outfit and was mildly appalled.

Sunday the most beautiful day of the week consisted of laundry, hands and knees scrubbing of my now immaculate floors, and some heaving and hawing as I attempted to single handedly change my microwave….those things sure are heavy. I also watched the Marion Pearl movie, A Mighty Heart. I thought Angelina did a fine job, but I do wonder if Mrs. Pearl was as stoic, as she was portrayed. I confess to shedding a tear when they finally find out he is dead….to be pregnant and in such a situation, its mind boggling. Perhaps I am getting soft as the years go by.

So that’s it, how was your weekend?

My third event at work.

I am now a qualified event planner. Perhaps this could be a part time job!

Don’t you hate how you stay up till12 at night, driving around the city, cleaning out dollar stores of yellow plastic plates, and then wake up at 7 am to pick up pies from one end of the city, and then drive to the other end of the city, in your most fabulous red ensemble, and your most sexiest high heeled boots, to set up for three hundred people, single handedly, putting out table cloths, decorating with leaves, making sure that the little details like milk are available for the tea, only to find that an hour into it, everyone is thanking and “good job-ing” your boss, who strolled in ten minutes ago…

Seriously…

I can’t fall asleep right away anymore. It takes me forever to fall asleep. I count the 24 hour buses that go by, and toss pillows (poor Trevor) out of my bed, start to take off layers of night clothing, and eventually end up naked.

Sleep is evading me.

Mainly because the one thing I think about constantly comes into my head at night and sits there, like a big fat elephant, I want nothing to do with.

He sits there with his fat cheeks and wide smile, dancing around my room…..

He hasn’t called me in a week. And while it doesn’t matter, it’s like there’s this sad part of me that I can’t get rid off. This part that is so in love with his fat cheeks and muddy brown eyes, that it just can’t get over the fact that we are not going to see him again.

The truth is a moving target..

Do you ever feel like that.

Like what’s true today, wasn’t quite as true ten years ago and isn’t quite as true in ten minutes.

I watched Georgia Rules this weekend, and its one of those movies that you either get and are incredibly moved by, or that you think is a load of rubbish, because like the intense topic it portrays you are never quite sure what’s true.

Sometimes I wish that at the end of life, you get to sit back in God’s amazing theatre and every scene of life gets replayed for you, with all the bonus features i.e. the thoughts of your loved ones and friends, people private reactions to your sometimes thoughtless deeds, all the side bar conversations you missed.

This ofcourse from the girl who reads the end of a book first

Life is in the details

There’s a lot going on at work, that when I get home, I tend to vegetate.

Last night, I was desperately looking for an excuse to go outside. It was a beautiful day, and I felt that I would be wasting the good weather running on my treadmill. So I decided to go over to Dominion to buy some bread. I must have looked extra perky, because the Dominion cash guy, taken in my overzealous ‘I love this weather smile,’ said, now your the most beautiful girl I’ve seen in a long time.

And frankly I was beautiful, because I was ecstatically happy, living in the moment of great weather and enjoying my fresh bread.

I think took a long stroll down bayview, at 8pm, debating whether or not to envy the people with dogs on a leash and hubbys in hand. I decided against the envy, because my hand felt light and free, free to swing at my side, or grab a menu……free to have tequila induced Fridays and lazy stay in bed Sundays…

Life’s in the details, and I hope your enjoying your details right now.

Tell me something new…

I had a very chirpy bus driver this morning, as women were inserting their tokens into the slot, he kept telling them to go easy, he was feeling fragile this morning, when two unruly ladies got into a little tit argument over who should get into the bus first, he said, ladies, ladies there’s enough of me to go around…seriously….

Funny how a great sense of humor can make you feel like your having a great day.

I am also wearing my new eye shadow from Mac, courtesy of S, its glamours, and sophisticated….and goes so well my hot dress…

Yes that’s right I am wearing a dress, no stockings and sandals to work….because today it’s a balmy 25 degrees in Toronto…..wohoo Global Warming!

I have four solid hours of conference calls ahead of me.

I am also having a hella of a time booking a flight to Mumbai for my friends wedding. Not only are the prices ridiculous, you can’t even get a seat. All my conversations with travel agents seem to consists of an obligatory 2 minutes of scolding for not having booked sooner….anyone can book a flight….I just happen to be making them work for it.

Oh yes and I have to somehow break it to my boss that I will be away for three weeks, rather than the one week originally planned…oooppsss!

The end of the week and a couple more dollars

It’s Friday, and what better way to spend a Friday than having lunch with an old friend.

I’ve known A since he took me to prom in Dubai. I wore a black dress with red rhinestones and shoulder pads, a creation picked out by my mother. (I also wore her suede black shoes.) Back then I had a bad perm, the kind where your mother instructs the hair dresser to perm the back of your hair and leave your bangs be. Sigh.

Anyhoo that didn’t work out, but we remained friends over the years, and we met up again at his wedding. Since then we’ve been having sporadic lunches here and there.

The other day he signs off his email saying, “Are we feeling Cranky today.”

Er??

Turns out the sneaky fella has been reading the blog for a couple of weeks now; accidentally stumbling upon it with some creative googling.

Turns out his pinky and the brain alter ego was trying to find ways to effectively create a situation which I would blog about.

It’s not a big deal that he found it, and upon reflection, I don’t think it would be a big deal if most people in my life knew about this site. Not that I about to go out and advertise its existence.

I like our little blogger society. It’s like a new age masonry society without the funky outfits. We have our handles. We have secret meet ups. We know the most important details of each other lives.

So welcome A to the readership, and long live the Putz, and you guys of course!

To the Society of Indian Women,

We Indian Women are great at certain things.

The Kama Sutra, yeah we invented that and none of us, needs to read it, its part of our DNA. And Tantric Sex, hello Mr. Sting, please stop letting out our secrets.

Dancing, we are fabulous dancers, just look at the movies, get past the tacky screens, the endless clash of colors, and you will see us shimmy and bounce our way through three hours without breaking a sweat, whilst simultaneously changing outfits…..(Where did you guys think the Quick Change Artist Act from America’s got Talent got the idea from?)

We are a pretty people too. Over the years we’ve have a Miss World and a Miss Universe. And our gals are not just beautiful, their articulate, smart.

Smart….we are super smart too. As Russell Peter’s points out, we are the world’s accountants, doctors, lawyers, uhm Human Resource Managers (it is a job just as important as a doctor….well according to my mother when she’s boasting)…

We are also great family gals. We are loyal, proficient in the art of home making. And we are world renowned cooks. Well some of us are.

Turns out I am not one you in this respect.

I know this because I got home today determined to make chappatis. I got out the flour, read and re-read the recipe, made a huge mess. And you know what, it flopped. My chappatis, came out looking 10 days old, instead of soft and supple. Never you mind I was determined to eat something Indian today, so I then decided to make a simple polough. Sigh…..it looked so easy all those years mum did it. Anyway both were utter disasters….well not utter, but really….sad excuses for what they were to be….

I thus urge you to quickly send me a recipe, and very detailed instructions, I will not rest till I am in the top tier of world chappati makers….

Yours with complete and Utter resolution,
Cranky Putz

Reason's Sunday should be a dedicated day of Sex

~You’ve finished all your chores on Saturday
~Sunday TV sucks
~You usually sleep in, making it optimal for Sunday afternoon love,
~You can never fall asleep on Sunday nights, so instead of lying panicking over the fact that you can’t sleep, wouldn’t it be better to get some nookie
~It sure beats counting sheep or in my case 24 hour buses
~I think this is what the Kings James version of God had in mind, when he designated Sunday as the day of rest…..

And no I’m not getting any, but I thought for all those of you who are…....

SSB

Secret Single Behavior, The things you do when you’re all alone. Things you wouldn’t do if there was someone there watching you. SSB’s are comfort things we do in privacy of our own space, like….

~Picking our noses
~Letting out a little air in the middle of the night, then lifting the blanket to get a whiff
~Standing over the toilet to see what our leftovers from last night look like
~Obsessing about our pores in one of those magnifying mirrors
~Covering our face with the most hideous looking creams….
~Eating ice cream at two am…or in my case an entire chicken pie
~Watching your favorite DVD over and over
~Folding your underwear a certain way
~Talking to yourself whilst watching TV and then answering yourself….going as far as to giggle at the joke you made…
~Sleeping diagonally on the bed….

I am planning on embracing my SSB’s this weekend.

Cuz I got a gift when I got home from Vegas.

I got a Tobi.

I am going to steam the hell out of my clothes this weekend…….clothes, underwear, the sexy little negligee I’ve been saving that’s all crumpled…..

Will you be entertaining any of your SSBs this weekend?

Vegas Baby

Vegas Highlights:

Plane ride over: Wedged between four gay women, one who was the assistant warden at San Quinton, another who was a detective for LA Special Victims Unit, I was party to their in depth, six hour discussion on the goriest details of a poor girl’s rape by a felon released from San Quinton four hours before. Made me quesy for the rest of my flight.

Drive to Vegas: Six hours in bumper to bumper traffic with a GPS system I nicknamed Bambi, urging us to continue straight on I650, despite the zillion cars ahead.

Vegas: First sighting of the Tropicana where I stayed, amidst the castles of Excalibur and the Statue of Liberty in New York, New York. It is love at first sight.

The fight at Mandalay Bay, Paccquio vs Barrera, absolute exhilaration at the thought of actually being at a Pay Per View Event…spent most of the time looking at the bright lights googly eyed….purchase of an overpriced event t-shirt, that I proceeded to wear everyday.

Dinner at Emeril Lagassey’s restaurant in MGM, highlight the succulent shrimp….and the Washington Apple Martinis.

Sneaking into Nicky Hilton’s Bday at Pure….yuppiest of yuppie thing to do.

Awed by the amazing performers of Zumanity, the risqué version of Cirque De Solei, particularly impressed by the trapeze woman who hoola hoped fifty hoops in the air, flying through the crowd, equally impressive were the two bath tub ballerinas, their performance is so hot, so sexy, so endearing that I the next time I am in the bath, I may be tempted to see if I can balance my weight on the edge on my head…..

Tropicanna’s ‘Burlesque’ show, a little un-nerved by the topless fifty year old lead singer….scary…particularly annoyed by the older woman with a strong southern drawl who would not shut up through out the show….contemplated throwing my shoe at her.

Old las Vegas, pretty unimpressive, good for cheap souvenir shops, found it funny that there were strip joints on one side and wedding chapels on the other.

A gondola ride through the Venetian, where I met the most gorgeous gondolier Etrizilla, she was particularly happy that we were non biased to her female stature…apparently the world wants all gondoliers to be men.

The super large glasses of strawberry daiquiri that I balanced through out my trip.

Eating dinner at Paris: watching five shows of the Bellagio fountains. Who knew I could be so fascinated by fountains. Escargot covered with little puff pastries, succulent steaks with cream sauces…..these are a few of my favorite things…

Favorite hotel by far was Ceasar's Palace.... felt like I was in Rome again..

Have you Never been to Vegas?? What ever are you waiting for??

On The 2 B’s: Breasts and Behinds:

I have come away from my trip to Vegas, with a new appreciation for my 2 B’s.

With an abundance of burlesques shows, and hooker adverts everywhere, in Vegas you are bombarded by the two B’s. You are almost guaranteed to see a pair of breasts at least once during the day. The breasts come in two varieties, fake or real. This was the first time I got to examine fake Boobs up close. I have to say that compared to the real thing, the fake ones, and look plain weird. The nipples are always humongous and odd. The shapes are like melons, and they never move. Perhaps the men can fill me in on how they feel, but I have to say I came away with a new appreciation for my ladies, they are perfect, perky and all natural. Also men, I just don’t get your fascination with the girls, it was actually boring to see them flopping everywhere….


As for behinds, I think Vegas is suffering from a shortage of exotic behinds. No offense to the non exotics who read this blog (really we are all exotic in our own way!), but I did not see one person of color naked (besides the crazy African dude from Zumanity, and he was a dude and did not count.) If you are going to do a show about the appreciation of the female form, I believe it is only right to do one that includes a variety of races and faces. Also all the girls in the line up were in a serious need of a tan.

That being said, I also have a new appreciation for my J-Lo-esque posterior….

Vegas did a lot for my self esteem.

Ohh you want to hear stories now….

Ps: I am rather disappointed that none of my readership are boxing fans....it's killing my spirit to boast

What I am going to See & Do tonight!

The Skinny on Skinny Jeans

Ladies (& Gents):

What’s the deal with Skinny Jeans?

Do we love them?

Do we hate them?

Do they work for girls, who are well fed?

Should I buy a pair to prance around in Vegas with?

Why I do not Live at Home Anymore

I came home today to get my fill of curry and rice....mutton stew with delicious carrots and potatoes to be precise.

I am now trapped in the basement, because my father has decided to change the refrigerator for the second time this month. All I can hear is our sixty year old neighbour (his trusty helper) and my poor brother yelling...."Hold It," and lots of questionable groans.

I am not sure the yummy curry is worth the aggravation I now feel, wondering if the fridge is going to fall on the old neighbour, whose family is then going to sue us....

It’s Tuesday and at the end of the week we Canadians are celebrating Thanksgiving.

Now since I am the first generation immigrant, I really don’t share in other Canadians tradition of thanking the settlers who first came up to this country to harvest corn and build a nation. Frankly I have always wondered what they were thinking. I mean they came from places like Florida and Mexico, warm, sunny places, to the freaking cold. Fine I get that they could have wandered here accidentally, but walk back down people, walk back down….

Moving on…..

Since today is a rainy day, a morning conversation usually starts off like this:

“Hey CP, Nice outfit, (You knew I would throw that in there!) Crappy day today eh….total sleep in weather eh?”

And after the weather, what other mundane topic is there but the upcoming long weekend.

“Any big plans for the weekend?

Now most people would reply, ‘Oh you know the usual thanksgiving with the family, maybe a walk in the park, maybe a hot date….’

Those would be the usual responses….

But you know what I’m doing this long weekend??

I’m going to Vegas Baybeeeee….

And Now worries, what ever happens in Vegas (and I hope a lot happens in Vegas) I will blog about! El Promisio….

Listen Here Mistah!

To all Members of the Illustrious Booty Call Society,

I understand that you guys are hot. Sexy bodies, smiles that make girls coo, sex drives that make oceans flow.

But…….Hear this,

If you are waking me up at 3.30 in the morning, you better be ready to deliver.

Out of town booty calls, to talk about how you would like to do things, will not suffice. Nor will messages on my machine about how sexy I sound, cut it.

Ya hear Miami?

Also to ex boyfriends who are trying to regress my relationship to those of convenience…I offered to be the girl that cares about your silly stories, watch you do dishes, help you plan your future, I did not offer to be demoted, don’t you act all surprised when I hang up on your behind.

With Regret,

Cranky

The Things You find At Mr. Lube

Hectic weekend consisted of a bar, meeting a S’s new ‘soon to be’ boyfriend, going to comedy show (thank you Investor’s Group) and a date.

You guys want to hear all about the comedy show right??

Lol, The date was a very nice fellow I met at Mr. Lube. (I tell you I get picked up all sorts of weird places.) The guy was very nice, very polite and he was giving me a lot of helpful hints about Dante, so when he asked for my number I thought, why not, I always need car help. Then he called, and I realized that perhaps he wanted to talk more about things other than the car, he invited me for coffee and like a very bad girl, I accidentally forgot a couple of times. But he was relatively persistent without being pushy and he invited me to hang at the beach yesterday. So in the spirit of openness, I went to hang. And as it turns out, he’s a great guy, very easy going, hardworking and he opens doors, car doors, all doors in general.

But….

(I am aware that this sounds very shallow.)

He’s short.

Like my height without heels. And I’m a petite girl, our kids would be midgets.

Also no butterflies….but for now at least, I’ve got a new friend.