Tuesday, January 27, 2009

People always have great expectations for a new year.

They make resolutions they go on to break.
They hope for new loves.
They feel a sense of freedom of fresh beginning.

This year the world got their fresh beginning in the form of Obama. Watching TV and reading articles on the transition got me thinking about how much the language of the world has changed. Words like hope, love, civic duty, obligation and possibility are being flung around willy nilly.

Someone on Oprah, said, the greatest challenge we face is s allowing ourselves to live beyond past hurts.

I think our fascination with the Obama’s lie in how much like us they are. Sure they are more brilliant, articulate and thoughtful versions of ourselves. But they also have come out of pasts that include slavery, single parent homes and bad choices. They are an example of living beyond past hurts.

I spend a lot of time wishing. I wish that I could be more disciplined: to be a better student, woman, kinder daughter and sister and a more productive worker. I wish I were stronger and wiser, able to be the leader that I want to be, without subjugating the spirits I am surrounded by. I wish that the story swirling within me would come out, full force and give me options for my future. I wish that love had found me quicker, that the process would have been easier and less fraught with challenges. That someone would have looked at me, into me and picked me.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

I don’t have any resolutions this year, albeit one, this year, I would like to find a way to live beyond my past.

To that end, I give myself this week to be cranky. To cry, to mourn, to whine about the men that left, the man that didn’t call on my birthday, to wonder about would have been’s, the careers I could have had, the friends that I’ve lost, the shitty child hood things that one never speaks of. Four cranky days.

And then… come Feb 1, I, Cranky Putz wow to focus on possibility.

(If all goes well who knows I may have to change the name of this blog to: Hopeful Putz?)

4 comments:

Bush Babee said...

I was totally with you until you mentioned changing the name of your blog. NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Peace.

GC (God's Child) said...

alright!
allowing yourself time is a great idea

Deb S. said...

I am so feeling this post! Do what you have to do. (But hold off on changing the name of your blog!)

Stunner said...

Nice post. These days, the new year is nothing more than the continued passing of time. All the best with letting go of the past and trying to be a better person, I think that's something we should all try as we set goals for ourselves. As for the name change, Hopeful Putz, sounds positive, but it doesn't appeal to me.