To the Society of Old Maids,

I wish to formally apply for membership. I am an apt candidate. As you will see from my resume, I have had three spectacularly failed relationships. Boyfriends have described relationships with me as a never ending ‘struggle.’ None bought me even close to the much awed altar. At twenty five years old, despite being in good physical condition, and decent looking (with modest help from MAC,) I am convinced that it is my fate to be an old maid. I think I will be a wonderful candidate for this society. In all honesty, despite pretending to be overly social, I am a moody loner. I urge you to accept my application and send me required mustache and granny skirts. I understand these are required to ward off would be offending suitors. As confirmation to my belief that I will make a fine old maid, I would like to say that my favorite quote has always been, ‘men are like mosquitoes it is better squat them early, before they become a pest.’

Sincerely,
Cranky Putz

P.s. To the Society of Romantics and Misled Hopefuls
I wish to rescind my membership.