Thursday, February 08, 2007

To the Society of Failed Actresses,

I wish to formally extend my application to your fine organization.

You will see as part of my resume that for the past three years I have been a devoted trainee of the Academy of Performing Arts (APA,) in some land where acting is a welcome profession. (Not Toronto, here I am expected to actually 'earn' my own living.)

When the person whom I had 'hoped' to spend an undefined period of my life with emailed me to say he had a change of heart, I bravely acted out the scene of uncaring woman. I was so good, that many thought I seemed relieved. When I later found out about my replacement who actually took up the job three months prior to my departure, I feigned giddy happiness, which onlookers took to imply hardy approval. Needless to say the Academy was impressed and a lifetime membership was issued.

However,

I finally am able to join your prestigious society, due to an incident, many in the field are calling, 'the closure' scene.

I mean, things started out dandy. I arrived, knowing I was going to see them. (And as the APA drummed into us, information is key. There can never be any emotions of surprise if you know what's coming next.) Only how could I have been prepared for the skinniness I was about to face? I walked in and shook dear Venus's bony, twig of a hand. Look I know thin is in, but seriously I'm a petite girl, how dear Lord could she have managed to out skinny me???? I mean the girl is practically a negative size. It was all I could do to keep myself from holding her down and forcing a large succulent piece of garlic butter steak down her throat. Let the girl eat already. Has no one told her ….pot belly's are the new black.

And ‘Selfish!’ Oh he was in fine form, looking at me with his sad little eyes, asking me cutesy questions about my life; all the while twirling his ridiculously garish wedding ring around, as if it were slightly uncomfortable.

I sat there, made small talk, commiserated about how sad it was the wedding photographer got so high that he took more shots of the guest’s feet than their head…(hehehe….so he did get my ‘contribution.’)

Until it was time to go, ….and he looked at her and said let's go. And suddenly every atom in my body started yelling, hello he is my thing and he's asking twiggy to go home??? Hello!!!

That's when I grabbed my cousin and ran home. And proceeded to cry my heart out, whilst the rickshaw guy swerved around crazily, thinking I had gone mad.

I've enclosed the $5 registration fee. When shall I expect my picture ID and pocket calculator???

CP

9 comments:

Abeni said...

lol,am sure the things are in the mail.

PS.Laughing at your Twiggy description

scratchie said...

They are on the way.... Only reference I've made to APA has to do with formatting my term papers...5 years of APA formatting.....arrrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Jdid said...

out skinny you!! good lord she spine must be touching she bellybutton :-)

GC (God's Child) said...

seriously, life is too short not to eat butter garlic steak, and lots of it.

Marika said...

ROAR! God, how awful. No matter how good a place you're in when you go, it's never easy.

Hopefully that membership comes with some good discounts.

Andy said...

I'm proud of you :)

Miz JJ said...

I co-sign with God's Child. Lol.

Seriously, I felt this post. I have been there.

bitsandgiggles said...

I've been there too, and it's terrible. Hopefully Twiggy is miserable...can you imagine a life of ice water and iceberg lettuce? It's just a matter of time before her hair starts to fall out due to malnutrition. You handled it beautifully!

Gooders Girl said...

hhmmmm, I was awarded an Actor's Guild Award by this society but now I teach the realist approach to acting at my own satge school called "DRAMA".

Now in rehersals darling, I would have demanded you be REAL and act out your true emotions, cah dat hide an' tell business nuh mek it!

You will not win Oscar or Golden Globe nominations!

The script change demands you treat him like a scrub. Men want what they think they can't have. An' love it when you are in Ima make you my bitch mode.

Therefore, I need to feel 'real' emotion! If wish to play the 'don't give a fcuk emotions, don't talk up in my face emotion' play it big but make sure in true diva style you look slammin!


Good Luck

'Drama' School of Acting
Realist approach