Bio-DATA

Indian people are big on marriage. An Indian woman could win the Nobel peace prize, or cure cancer, and someone in India watching the ceremony on TV would say, “Poor thing never got married.”

So we Indian’s have devised a system of ensuring that as many of us as possible get married, (and there are a lot of us…Look out China!)

An arranged marriage, in North American societies is also known as the blind date, 60 second dating, online dating, or the referral system.

India is a familial society, so when someone’s lagging behind on the marriage calendar, the whole family gets mobilized to ensure that the person in question finds their better half. The most common means of finding that perfect partner is through marriage ads in the local examiner, or the creation of a bio data.

Important details are listed in the bio data. How dark/fair you are (big points if your fair,) what religion you are, what caste you belong to (Brahmins are the top of the food chain, CKP, are apparently some sort of long lost warrior caste,) what your parents do, what you do, what’s your education background…..etc.

“S’s” parents who are getting a little ansy about her happy go lucky life here, received a ‘Bio data” from a prospective suitor the other day, here are a few highlights,

“His dad is a Brahmin and mom a CKP.

He is more urbane than traditional and is pretty active when it comes to his social circle. That said, he has a good blend of western outlook and Indian values.

Had met with an accident in 98 which caused de-gloving to the sole of his foot. Plastic surgery has already been performed and he is back to being his merry self since seven years now with no limitations.”

After having a good laugh, like a roll on the floor, sides hurting, feeling the need to pee, laugh, I began to wonder what my Bio data would look like:

Profile of Cranky Putz

Date of Birth: December 28th, The day of Holy Innocence…(seriously look it up!)
Height: 5.4” on a good day
Complexion: Fair baby, Fair,
Blood Group: Seriously no idea….and why does this matter??

Educational Background
BA in Political Science, to be fair, no one warned me on how useless a degree it is…..

Professional Details
Cranky is presently working as a minion in a Change Management group, one day she will be successful and her brilliance will be recognized on a world stage, for now however, she is a simple minion….

Family Background
Cranky’s mum and dad are fabulous.
Mum is a descendant of land owners who somehow landed up living in a bazaar and Dad is a descendant of the Kolbi tribe, who are, if you ask when he’s downed a peg of two, will tell you in a long winded tale, a tribe of kings. Cranky is thus infused with Royal Blood, i.e. Sangreal.


Dad is the CEO of the Cranky Household and can fix just about anything.
Mum is the CFO of the Cranky Household, let’s face mum’s really hold the purse strings. She is also moonlights as a First line Chef.

Cranky’s maternal family has high level connections in Mumbai. They are not to be messed with.

More about Cranky Putz
Cranky is easy to get along with (Hopefully referrals from ex boyfriends are not required here.) She loves to make friends. Infact once she’s set her mind on you, well you have no choice to be her friend; she is simply charming.

Cranky is a salsa dancer. She loves Latin music, and loves to dance. All non dancers and/or wall huggers need not apply. Cranky has a penchant for traveling and I particularly fond of road trips, especially the kind that involve McGriddles first thing in the morning, weekend trips to Vegas are also A ok.

Cranky does not like hiking, mountain biking, or anything too out doorsy. Let’s face it, Cranky is an urban girl. She appreciates beautiful gardens, but has no idea how to grow them.

On a side note, Cranky was involved in an unfortunate accident that involved beer, glass and a fridge. She therefore has a visible scar on the ankle of her right foot. Plastic surgery was deemed unnecessary, since Cranky’s ‘personality and joyous nature’ makes up for all the scars, both internal and external. She has been her merry self for oh say five years now, with no limitations whatsoever.

Life Partner Expectations:
Cranky and her family expect a smart, witty, sexy/hot modern fella, with a positive approach to life. The fella should be an NRI (non Indian Resident) from a well to do family (hey if your asking, you may as well ask for Old money!) The fella should not be averse to dancing, eating, and generally enjoying ALL that life has to offer. Since Cranky is only a descendant from Kings, she would appreciate applicants from the Warrior Class, to add a little fire into her lineage…..little warrior kings so to speak (BAP BAP BAP)

P.s. anyone who didn’t get the “BAP, BAP, BAP” Need not apply.