Friday, November 09, 2007


Indian people are big on marriage. An Indian woman could win the Nobel peace prize, or cure cancer, and someone in India watching the ceremony on TV would say, “Poor thing never got married.”

So we Indian’s have devised a system of ensuring that as many of us as possible get married, (and there are a lot of us…Look out China!)

An arranged marriage, in North American societies is also known as the blind date, 60 second dating, online dating, or the referral system.

India is a familial society, so when someone’s lagging behind on the marriage calendar, the whole family gets mobilized to ensure that the person in question finds their better half. The most common means of finding that perfect partner is through marriage ads in the local examiner, or the creation of a bio data.

Important details are listed in the bio data. How dark/fair you are (big points if your fair,) what religion you are, what caste you belong to (Brahmins are the top of the food chain, CKP, are apparently some sort of long lost warrior caste,) what your parents do, what you do, what’s your education background…..etc.

“S’s” parents who are getting a little ansy about her happy go lucky life here, received a ‘Bio data” from a prospective suitor the other day, here are a few highlights,

“His dad is a Brahmin and mom a CKP.

He is more urbane than traditional and is pretty active when it comes to his social circle. That said, he has a good blend of western outlook and Indian values.

Had met with an accident in 98 which caused de-gloving to the sole of his foot. Plastic surgery has already been performed and he is back to being his merry self since seven years now with no limitations.”

After having a good laugh, like a roll on the floor, sides hurting, feeling the need to pee, laugh, I began to wonder what my Bio data would look like:

Profile of Cranky Putz

Date of Birth: December 28th, The day of Holy Innocence…(seriously look it up!)
Height: 5.4” on a good day
Complexion: Fair baby, Fair,
Blood Group: Seriously no idea….and why does this matter??

Educational Background
BA in Political Science, to be fair, no one warned me on how useless a degree it is…..

Professional Details
Cranky is presently working as a minion in a Change Management group, one day she will be successful and her brilliance will be recognized on a world stage, for now however, she is a simple minion….

Family Background
Cranky’s mum and dad are fabulous.
Mum is a descendant of land owners who somehow landed up living in a bazaar and Dad is a descendant of the Kolbi tribe, who are, if you ask when he’s downed a peg of two, will tell you in a long winded tale, a tribe of kings. Cranky is thus infused with Royal Blood, i.e. Sangreal.

Dad is the CEO of the Cranky Household and can fix just about anything.
Mum is the CFO of the Cranky Household, let’s face mum’s really hold the purse strings. She is also moonlights as a First line Chef.

Cranky’s maternal family has high level connections in Mumbai. They are not to be messed with.

More about Cranky Putz
Cranky is easy to get along with (Hopefully referrals from ex boyfriends are not required here.) She loves to make friends. Infact once she’s set her mind on you, well you have no choice to be her friend; she is simply charming.

Cranky is a salsa dancer. She loves Latin music, and loves to dance. All non dancers and/or wall huggers need not apply. Cranky has a penchant for traveling and I particularly fond of road trips, especially the kind that involve McGriddles first thing in the morning, weekend trips to Vegas are also A ok.

Cranky does not like hiking, mountain biking, or anything too out doorsy. Let’s face it, Cranky is an urban girl. She appreciates beautiful gardens, but has no idea how to grow them.

On a side note, Cranky was involved in an unfortunate accident that involved beer, glass and a fridge. She therefore has a visible scar on the ankle of her right foot. Plastic surgery was deemed unnecessary, since Cranky’s ‘personality and joyous nature’ makes up for all the scars, both internal and external. She has been her merry self for oh say five years now, with no limitations whatsoever.

Life Partner Expectations:
Cranky and her family expect a smart, witty, sexy/hot modern fella, with a positive approach to life. The fella should be an NRI (non Indian Resident) from a well to do family (hey if your asking, you may as well ask for Old money!) The fella should not be averse to dancing, eating, and generally enjoying ALL that life has to offer. Since Cranky is only a descendant from Kings, she would appreciate applicants from the Warrior Class, to add a little fire into her lineage…..little warrior kings so to speak (BAP BAP BAP)

P.s. anyone who didn’t get the “BAP, BAP, BAP” Need not apply.


Jdid said...

i'll give you the charming comment.

ok but you really needed to warn me about that that thing about the de-gloving of the sole of the foot. I almost bawled out in the office mek people feel i crazy or something

GC said...

I think this is a wonderful tradition. Maybe you have no idea how much some people admire the mere idea of arranged marriage. There was a time when I WISHED dearly that my Mom could just pick someone for me already. It was getting so difficult and I know she has good taste and knows what I like.

Kingston Girl said...

hilarious description of yourself! GC - the problem is that although my parents know me and my tastes, I know the children of their friends and I'm not interested!!!

Kingston Girl said...

hilarious description of yourself! GC - the problem is that although my parents know me and my tastes, I know the children of their friends and I'm not interested!!!

Ann (MobayDP) said...

lol :)

Miz JJ said...

My best friend is Indian and I use to joke to her mom that I was completely open to an arranged marriage. At least Indian people are interested in their culture and their own people. Same can't be said for black people in Canada unfortunately.

Abeni said...

lol@ 5'4 on a good day..if I write my biodata all potential husbands will run

The OE said...

My bio is Top Secret

Stunner said...

lol! That is some biodata!

Marika said...

I have no idea what the BAP BAP BAP reference is...ergo, I feel that you and I may never fall in love.

I can see sense in the concept of an arranged marriage. Having a partner selected for you by the people who know you best is an idea which (in theory, anyway), could be a winner. And then...I think of people that my mother would pick for me and...well. Enough said.

gela said...

I've been completely aversed to the idea of an arranged marraige, but at this point where I don't seem to be doing a good job of finding a partner for myself, I'm starting to appreciate its merits. Believe me.

Amusing, but you don't want an indian? NRI??

Lene said...

oh cool... do mine! do mine!

btw, i know all about the bap bap bap. hahahahaha. i think most people from toronto do, or high crime areas.

Christie said...

I hate nature, too. I get the heeby jeebies in a park that has too many trees.

Grant Miller said...

Very detailed. Don't worry about the Poly-Sci degree. Most degrees are kind of useless.

kimba said...

My mum always wants me to marry whoever my current boyfriend is.. regardless of.. anything.. just she wants someone.. anyone to marry me.. anyone..

SimplEnigma said...

LOL @ Gela.

Well, I've always thought it would be cool to have an arranged marriage. It's almost like having someone else do the Googling and background check. Just as long as it's not my parents arranging the marriage. If I could choose who arranges my marriage I'd be open to it.

gishungwa said...

Lately the idea of an arranged marriaged sounds agreeable. Now where do we send the bio data LOL

GC said...

where is you hiding?
pls come back
lazy posts welcome

Fiyah said...

I know what "Bap! Bap! Bap!" means!

Rocky said...

now that you are never getting married, wat is bap bap bap?