There's a local fashion show in Toronto that does some fabulous and fun things on Fridays. This friday I had the pleasure of attending with a friend.

Part of the show is a makeover. As the producers went through the rows of women who had their hands up, they noticed yours truly bouncing in her seat. When asked what my opinion of makeovers are, I said, "Well its just hair, it grows back right?"

So they chopped my hair off.

I am now confronted with an odd conundrum. I truly do believe hair is just hair. But when it was all on the floor, I began to realise why those models on American's top model cry and beat their chests when Tyra mercilessly lops off their hair. Beauty is often associated with long hair. A woman's vanity is in her hair. It's why we prod, tease, blow dry, curl and straighten it to no end.

So here I am without my lovely hair, forced to re-examine what defines my essence, my beauty and self confidence. Trying to remember that indeed it is just hair, and it does grows back.

2011

There is a Drake song that goes a little something like this,

“Don't ever forget the moment You began to doubt
Transitioning from fitting in to standing out.”

It’s 2011. And I’ve had a great start. The year ended in Acapulco, celebrating my birthday with some dear friends and many strangers. New Years was all fireworks from a cliff, picturesque and gorgeous. And then I came back and threw an epic party.

I like throwing parties, fun, loud, unruly, happy parties are my thing.

And now that all the hype has died down. I’m reflecting. Reflecting on joy. Insane, insatiable happiness, that makes your face flush, your heart thump, and your pores exude energy.

I’ve been living a few joy less years.

Despite my general wisdom and awareness, I’ve fallen into a rut, a rut of expectation that life is a mediocre, predicable humdrum. That no matter how exciting a moment is, it goes back to being blah, pretty darn quick.

Some people tell you to avoid the drama, avoid the highs and lows, keep it even keel. Because let’s face ‘peace’ (which a lot of people pray for) is just that, the absence of any sort of discord.

And yet I confess when I look deep into my soul, I realize that discord, change, travel, chaos are things that bring me Joy. They scare the heck out of me, they keep me up at night, they can make wake up in pure terror, but ultimately, I usually go to bed with a deep sense of satisfaction.

So let’s be honest. Living in a cold country does not give me joy.
Trying to fall in love with good men, who do not stimulate me in any way-does not give me joy.
Not travelling-does not give me joy
Not going dancing once a week – does not give me joy
Not reading beautiful books that make me cry and touch my soul- does not give me joy
Not talking about life, love, war, famine, politics, religion-does not give me joy
Not having parties every so often-does not give me joy

Life is about balance, and so this year I hope to find a balance between fear, peace and joy.

This past year has been my learning year. It's like God decided this is the year I would learn my ass off. Learn the limits of friendship, happiness and love. And then Learn the limitlessness of friendship, happiness and love.

I am a firm believer in the freedom of crazy.

Everyone needs a little safe place to be a little crazy, a little cranky, a little putzy.

This has been my safe place for many years. Through it I made so many friends, found great advice and shared many a useless thought.

A better time could not have been had.

But in the past year I found myself self censoring.

So in order to be set free, I am graduating to being a Lady.

Thanks for reading all these years.....

Love,

Cranky

Return of the Cranky

My dearest Would Be,

It’s finally here. The big 3O. Years ago, in Dubai, my friend Jen and I were sitting in a parking lot (our equivalent to a park) having a serious conversation about life. Jen said that 30 was the IT year, the year that really determined whether your life was going to soar, or stagnate by the pre determination of birth.

So here I am, 3 months till the big 30, reviewing the status of my life. Of course optimistic, non cranky people will say, count your blessings, your accomplishments, your happiness and memories.

Cranky me says this, I long accepted that the love of my life thing would not work out. As my mum put it yesterday it’s like you’ve already gone through four divorces without any freaking alimony. So I settled on attainable dreams. Like going to Rio on my 30th birthday. I have a job for the dollars, I have Travelocity for getting there and physical shelter, I have the lonely planet for advice on where to go, what to wear, what to eat. Yet I can’t go. Because Would Be, no matter how self sufficient you are….you are always dependent on others to make your dreams come true. Sure I could in theory go to Rio by myself, but really which douche travels to a country by themselves on their big birthday? Especially a girl?

Where are my friends you ask? Good Question? Where are those people obligated to support my dreams and hopes? Where’s the unconditional love?

It doesn’t exist Would be. At 30, people have lives, commitments, plans, that don’t include you. You must fend for yourself.

I am cranky Would-be. And thus all blogs to follow will be about this new found mid life crises.

I will whine, I will cry, I will beat this topic to death.

Because after all, it’s my party and I’ll cry if I freakin want to.
CP

Ps. I am convinced you're dead. Waiting for you is like waiting for Godot....

I haven't done one of these in a while:

Dracs: CP, Weh yuh?
CP: Here
Dracs: Here, weh, gurlll……Aye Miss Yuh, Aye Need Yuh, Aye think of yuh so I holla…..
CP: Uh Huh
Dracs: So come have a bit with meh and small ting
CP: Ok
Dracs: Aye be there in two minutes, get readddyyyyy
CP: I need ten
Dracs: Aye love yuh the way Yuse is, Just come down naah, don’t make meh wait….
CP: (Thinks of all the times she waited, and proceeds to prod around for 10 mins)
Dracs: Yuh always test meh, but aye is strong, tis here bond is strong, Aye can wait a life time for yuh
CP: Rolls eyes
@ Restraunt:
Dracs (watching CP holding mini Dracs) : Yuh look good as a mother, have meh chile
CP: Thanks, but no thanks,
Dracs: So whose de new man?
CP: (Wanting to avoid the matter) No new man, I’ve decided not to get married and live as a spinster
Dracs: (High five) Now Yuh understand meh
CP: It has nothing to do with you
Dracs: Sweetness yuh me, Aye-iz yuh, We is We….
CP: Lord why do I bother????

Cottage-ing is synonymous for adult sleepovers. I spent this weekend with 25 friends and 4 kids under the age of 2 in a mansion cottage. The cottage itself was lovely, with slanted roofs, and little hiding places. The weather was terrible, but the food, the alcohol, the feeling of beating all the felas at poker, was amazing.

I’ve come back at least 5 pounds heavier. Which has me thinking that I am going to have a re-set week, where I shut down from my addiction to TV, PVR, Twitter, FB, Blogging etc, go meat and alchol free. Hmm wonder how long I can go, without turning on my pretty MAC?

Dracs took his daughter and me out for a quick lunch. She is such a loving, little doll. We were a pretend family for about 20 minutes, then he began to look at his watch and I remembered why I did not want to have a family with him.

I am keen on going on a mini shopping trip to Buffalo. Any Torontonians have advice on the best way to do this ie. Drive vs. bus shopping trip? Anyone wanna come? Blogger meetup/shopping trip?

I have had two Earl Grey’s this morning, yet I still feel like Leo in Inception…..is it all a dream?

My best friend has joined me at work. We are pretending to be casual acquaintances. Except every time I see him, I want to hug him and laugh.

Asma

I’ve hung out with Dubya’s friends and this weekend since I was busy with a friend’s bbq, I invited him along to meet some of my friends.

At first he was all gung ho. Then he asked if he could bring his friends (normal request, however given that my friend had just spent an hour ranting to me about people inviting people he didn’t know, I had to say no to the request.) Then he magically had a cousins birthday to attend, no problem, told him it was no big deal, he could meet everyone later. But he insisted that he would be going for a bit and then come by my party later. Then he remembers another cousin who was having a party downtown, and could we just meet up for a coffee later, right. Then he woke up feeling sick. He managed to go to his cousins, but texted me that he was too sick to come to my party (10 mins away.) I was a little annoyed since I had announced his arrival and was now getting the ‘oh he didn’t show up,’ look. I mentioned this the next day and was told that not only was he sick, he had an ‘asma’ attack (if you going to complain about an illness, you should be able to spell it) and a high fever. Further conversation led to a mention of having bronchitis since he was 14, but mysteriously no inhaler.

By this point, something switches off. If he had just been sick, sorry and would make it up to me later, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. If he had said, ‘listen I want to meet your friends, but going to party by myself with people I don’t know isn’t my thing,’ I would have understood. But this medley of stories irked me a little.

Am I over reacting?

Dubya (aka Mr. W-thanks Jumbs)Friend: How long do you think people should know each other before getting married?
Dubya (enthusiastically): 2 years
CP: 7, unless it’s a war time situation

Tuesday thoughts:

My cube neighbor is driving me crazy. First off she’s a consummate phone complainer. 80% of her job appears to be calling up various vendors for her personal life to complain about something. The conversations always go the same, she starts off stingingly nice, then her voice gets whinny, and then it switches to downright pretend nice but obviously bitchy. Second she has a troublesome fella named Harry who is either a complete moron or a saint for putting up with her. Either way, Harry and her do not get along, yet they talk about 5 times a day. Sigh. Her conversations are so loud that half the team feels they just know too much about her.

My boss has this squeaky voice that she uses when she wants to ask you to do something she knows she shouldn’t be asking. It’s highly annoying. She, however, thinks its super cute. I have a fantasy of replying to her in an equally squeaky voice to see if she gets the picture. Grown people should not talk in squeaky voices.

I had my mid year review with my boss. I got some funny feedback: “You have very strategic oriented skill set that’s going to be great for when you’re an executive, but until then you have to operate on our level.” LOL

Mr. W (new name for Mr. Sales-I pronounce it like DoubleYah) is going strong. We have graduated to exclusivity and branding of boyfriend/girlfriend. He’s meeting the friends this weekend; I met the friends last weekend. Things are progressing nice and slowly. Slow and Steady wins the race, HOPEFULLY.

I’m a little obsessed with Twitter. I tweeted the entire Miss Universe show yesterday, I am mildly ashamed of this. I am also ashamed of my genuine like of Jersey Shore (why does the Situation actually seem like a nice guy,) Glee (what a fabulous show, I sing along and dance around whilst watching this, I count it as cardio time,) Millionaire Matchmaker (I have yet to find an instance where Patti is wrong,) and Ari Gold (I dream of marrying a man like Ari.)

How are things in your world?

Monday thoughts

Summer is almost over. I know this because I got a cold this weekend…..change in temperature always gets me a cold.

Draconian has found God. I get emails now quoting scripture.

Mr. Sales is super sweet. I am really enjoying this new found drama free relationship.

Work is going well. I still feel a bit like a child with divorcing parents, with one boss wanting me to travel and the other (who incidentally controls my budget) wanting me to stay put.

Mr. Sales wants me to go on a trip with him in October. Not sure if its too soon to be planning that far ahead. Also its visiting Eastern Canada. Is there really enough to do for 5 days in Eastern Canada? Besides eat lobster every day that is…

Advil cold and Sinus and Buckleys are amazing cold cures

Chicken Corn Soup should never be Corn Chicken Soup

Shop Girl and Duplicate are odd movies…..

It’s almost the end of BBQ season and I am eating like a Monster…

How are you guys doing????

Mr. Sales

When you’re young-er you tend to choose fellas based on good looks and general impressions on ‘coolness.’ Then you grow up and realize the good looking fellas went bald before 30 and the ‘cool’ fellas never really grow up and tend to live pay cheque to pay cheque.

So you then come up with new criteria for falling in love. If you’re in HR, you come up with the 4 C’s:
-Character
-Consistency
-Care
-Concern

Each characteristic is inter-related and self evident (think US Bil of Rights.)

Bachelor #1, hereby referred to as Mr. Sales, was examined with these factors in mind.

On our first date he explained that he broke up with his last girlfriend because as much as he liked her, he knew she wasn’t the ‘one.’ Rather than dragging it out to the inevitable end, he stepped up to the plate and told her. They are still friends. He went on to pay for the bill no hesitation, opened doors, was polite to the wait staff etc. He explained that his values were family and peace of mind. Character.

He then kept in touch. There was a two week lag between our first and second date. Instead of dropping of the face of the earth, he called each day, with an interesting story, did not stay on too long, and eventually I began to look forward to the calls. Consistency.

He remembers things, like what I said that afternoon about work. He follows up on past conversations. Care.

He met my friends on the weekend, and instead of being awkward, he joked around with them, made them laugh, asked if they were having a good time. Concern.

Thus I introduce you to Mr. Sales a possible future reoccurring character. The name might need some tweaking.

Single Tax-Vent

As you get older being single is a great liability.

There are the group outings. The couples usually plan these, and they entice you to come. And You book early and pay up.

And then 3 weeks before you go, the schedule comes out and somehow the couples and couples with kids who booked decided to come last Wednesday get the rooms, and the ‘singles’ who booked first are relegated to sleeping bags.

HMPH!

To the Society of Romantics and Misled Hopefuls,

Lately I have had the great joy of seeing Draconian with his new girlfriend on two separate occasions. She’s young, perky, exotic and beautiful. Karma, dear society, is a fat ole bitch.

I have also had the joy on going on dates, many, many, many dates.

Bachelor #1: is in Sales, a gentleman, but I’m not sure I felt the spark, however he has been consistently calling every day (not in an annoying fashion) to check in. I will be going on Date #2 for further verification.

Bachelor #2: Underwhelming in person. He invited me for lunch and to buy jeans with him. He did not get my polite suggestion of hiring a personal shopper for the jean shopping, but I decided to give it a try.
At lunch I found out he liked techno music (Tostito who?,) lived in Mississauga and hated driving into the city (I love the city,) his parents are divorced, he likes to collect seaweed or something watery, likes to dance 'crazy' as he put it, (I had visions of him bashing his head around.) The bill came and we ‘split it.’ Sigh! As we shopped he kept talking about clothes, in a manner that can be best be related to the gay community. Also I don't like shopping for other people (Personal insight here.) He drove a beat up Honda from 91, because it was reliable and didn't die. I begged my leave an hour later, and got a txt saying he had a great time and when can we hang out again. A classic case of optics vs. things in common. Also he was apparently on another date. Recruiters have a code for this-TBNT-Thanks but no Thanks.

Bachelor #3: Lives close by and suggested we meet for a coffee and walk at 5 pm. So I msg him at 3 pm to ask what the plan was. He replies that he hadn’t heard from me by noon and made other plans. Sigh.
Says I should pick another date and time. -TBNT


Bachelor #4: We went on a few dates. A very nice fellow, except that his head is sort of shaped like a star trek character. Also dear society he is a bore. The last time we went out, I counted him saying ‘Oh well” 27 times. –Oh well. -TBNT

Bachelor #5: Was hot sexy, fun, great, fabulous, and too young. He called me a cougar on national radio. Well not me specifically, but he defined a cougar as someone 28 and up. I checked society and a cougar is actually defined as someone 40+. Quite frankly, it made me realize that aging well is not enough. People still see you as your age, and expect you to follow the required ‘age path. I feel like a Greek goddess (excuse the obviously egotistical reference) cursed with agelessness, useless to the living, mourning my peers.

Society I am trying to live up to my promise of finding the ‘one’ or the ‘as close to the one as I can find.’ But frankly its disheartening, realizing just how many people I am incompatible with.

Help Society, HELP!

CP

Thoughts on a rather depressing Wednesday:

If the first time you go out with a dude and he suggests that you help him shop for jeans as part of your outing, is it really a date, or is he just looking for a free personal shopper?

Dating should be fun: but frankly realizing how many men in this world I am not compelled by, is plain ole depressing

The person you once loved walks by you on the street (after turning around to make sure it was you) without saying a word- is not as romantic as movies would have you believe

Even though your older, wiser and have had all sorts of great revelations that strengthen your character misplaced words streamed across a national radio station can make you want to get into bed and never wake up

Karma doesn’t exist. It’s one of those fanciful little notions we human beings have made up, to make ourselves feel better.

A detox can make you breakout. This is an important piece of information that should be on the warning label

Never take a non dancer to a dancing festival, if you’re a non dancer, don’t volunteer to come to a dancing event, unless you’re willing to tough it out

The euphoria of happiness escapes today

Do you ever hear a song and it reminds you of the most fun day in your life?

This mix has me remembering bumpin and grinding Friday nights at the Guvernment. Then coming out at 4 am with my then besties, half naked, as was the tradition in those days and I had the body to pull it off,) only to find our car nowhere in sight.

My friend immediately starts to cry, the other two look equally upset, so I pull out my cell phone (which in retrospect was a mini weapon it was so large,) to call the cops, who politely inform me that our car has been towed. Apparently we were not as ‘lucky’ as we thought and the parking was not free….. In those days the $10 parking fee mattered A LOT.

So there we were, not a penny between the four of us, being honked at by every passing car, till a fella I had met earlier stopped and asked if everything was okay.

He eventually drove us to grab the car, and I remember coming home at 5 am, and trying to sneak downstairs only to hear my dad’s voice like God from the heavens, yelling, “Where the hell were you?”

Funny how a song can remind you what fun it was to be 18….

Why I love Summer in Toronto:

When it’s hot the city sets up emergency cooling centers. They hand out water and tell people how to stay cool. Where else in the world does that happen?

The festivals: All over Toronto, someone is celebrating something, whether its their teams soccer win, tasty Thursdays, salsa or some obscure African festival…..if it exists someone in Toronto is celebrating it

Gay Pride: I had the privilege of marching at the Pride parade this year. What a crazy experience, from the funky to the earnest, it was a fun day.

Walking place for no other reason than its hot…and I can.

Summer sales, buying pretty dresses in bright colors

Summer tans…..and tan lines

Summer romances

BBQ’s that are themed and involve the limbo

Coming home at 2 am, just because the night was too beautiful to waste by sleeping

Sitting on my balcony reading a book on a lazy Sunday afternoon

Wearing dresses to work, you almost never have to iron a dress

Driving around without air conditioning, not because you don’t have it, but because the little beads of sweat that drip down
your back is sooooo HAWT

The thought that perhaps sitting outside sweating is as good as 30 minutes on the treadmill (no need to insert reality in here)

Rollo-120 calorie ice cream sticks-if you have not tried this…YOU SHOULD

Really Interesting how when your not into someone you can see the future, and see all the things that could go wrong because of your differences.

But if your into someone all you see is them.

"Love Oh Love,
Stop making a Fool of Me."

Every now and then a restlessness comes over me.

And I can’t concentrate.

And the world gets a little dull.

And my mind wanders into a space of emptiness.

And I begin to search; to stare outside the window, seeing nothing; to look into people as they walk past, trying to imagine their inner most fears; to pick up a book, only to have to put it down; to read a poem, only to find myself unsatisfied by its end; to lie on the floor of my condo, music blaring, letting words, notes and harmonies envelope me, only to feel disconcerted.

And I wonder does anyone else ever feel this way?

On attraction

Attraction is a strange phenomenon.

My question: Is it in our control who we are attracted to?

Or is all we have control over: whether or not we act on the attraction?